gen_storyteller

TITLE: Spike in Wanderland - Book 3 Part 3: by myfeetshowit
Characters: Spike, Wolfram & Hart, Multiple Crossovers
Summary: Post 'NFA' a dazed and confused Spike wanders through time and space meeting with the most interesting people--from Dr. Who to Riddick. Meanwhile, an equally confused and dazed Wolfram & Hart attempts to repair the damage done to their business, and to get revenge on Spike.
Rating: PG13 for lots of mentions of blood, guts and violence, crude humor.
Category: Humor
Warnings/Notes: There are links to manips of Spike and the various cross-over characters. These are large and may take a while to download. They are fun to see, but not necessary to understand the story.

Spike makes a real friend, and nobody like hamsters. And yep, Bruttenholm is still pronounced Broom.

For the beginning of this bizarre tale, please start with Book 1.

Spike... In Wanderland Part 3-3

The bone-weary and exhausted dog stood with lowered head and watched the person in the clearing. Something was wrong about him.

He was ... not-man. She watched the merrily crackling flames of the fire, smelled the rabbit roasting on the spit, and listened to the not-man rambling and cursing to himself.

"Stupid, temporal device! London! Does this benighted backwater look like London? ... freezing my balls ... backside of the world. Don't even know what time I'm in..."

The dog was drawn to his voice. Even though the tone was thick with self-pity and anger, the voice was soothing. It spoke of no harm. She realized that not-man was aware of her.

"Hello, there, Lass. You look about as miserable as I feel. Why don't you come over and share my meal, girl. I'm only cooking to pass the time. Don't really need the meat. Be glad to let you have the lot...come on. I'll be glad for the company."

She wanted to toast her bones by the fire. She wanted to feast on the succulent roasting flesh. She wanted to sit by the not-man while he petted her and gently worked the knots out of her filthy coat.

Dimly, somewhere in her mind was the realization that she could go no further. She was done unless she fed and rested. If not-man desired to kill her, he would only be saving her from a death by exhaustion.

She slowly walked to the fire and fell rather than lay at his feet.

"Good girl. Really done up aren't you." He ran gentle hands over her in search of wounds. There were scars, many scars but no open wounds or broken bones. She was not a hunter by nature. Poor feeding, endless running and restless sleep had taken her to the edge of her endurance. She had somewhere to be and could not rest until she was there.

"We'll just let this meat cool, yeah? You shouldn't be eatin' too much too soon I'm thinkin' anyway."

He fed her small bits of rabbit, gave her small sips of water, petting and talking the whole while. She wanted to rip the meat from his hands and bolt the rabbit entire. Her innate manners directed her as always and she ate daintily, barely touching his fingers.

The dog drifted into a state that might have been bliss. She felt safe for the first time since she had run away. Eventually she fell asleep.

When she woke Not-man fed her again. He gently worked the dirt from her coat. He took a knife to the worst of the knots and gently cut them free. The dog didn't think she had ever felt so light.

Not-man became Friend. He spoke continually. She understood few of his words, but his voice was like the babble of brook, restful and soothing.

But he understood the silent times as well - when the freezing winds would blow and she would lay beside him with her head on his shoulder, and he would wrap his hands into her coat and hide his face against her to shelter from the cold. The fire would warm them from one side and they would trap their own warmth on the other... and they would just be.

She wondered at that. She had never known a human that could just be.

Friend became her teacher. He was a hunter supreme; a predator of speed and grace. The dog learned quickly. She thrilled to feel hot blood bursting in her mouth, to eat what she had won. She was no longer a beggar at the gate waiting to be fed. She felt giddy sometimes as though she were a puppy again.

But at the height of her excitement she would suddenly feel shame. Biting was a forbidden thing and Master would scold her if he knew. But for now, with Friend she pushed shame aside and enjoyed the hunt.

Days passed. Friend tinkered with his `temporal device' and said it would be ready soon. The dog was well-fed and rested. Both were growing restless and both knew that soon they must part ways.

The dog and her friend woke simultaneously; neither certain whether they had heard something or merely sensed `wrongness'. They were not alone. Strange, misshapen creatures that had been attempting to sneak upon them while they slept, instead, charged when they realized they had been discovered.

The two were an excellent team, fighting together as though born to it. The dog tore at leg or tail while her friend applied his knife to good effect. She pushed while he pulled; bit down at throat while he dispatched the fallen enemy. Grabbed enemy arm and ruined its aim while Friend dodged in to strike. Normally the most gentle of beings, the dog was seized by a deeply, primitive joy as she begin to kill.

Their enemy didn't have a chance.

Afterwards, the dog stared at Friend. In her doggy mind was the realization that she could easily devote herself to this Not-man. She could hunt and be wild and be content. But her heart had been given long ago. She must leave before she forgot the rules. Before she forgot her master.

"Time to go, eh? Know just where you're going, too, dontcha? Wish I did." Friend sat on the device and moved his hands. The device began to hum. "Good luck, girl. I'll... miss you."

Lassie turned and headed toward Yorkshire...towards her beloved master, Joe.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v358/molossus/LassSpike1.jpg

To: Senior Partners, Wolfram & Hart
From: Cheep Investigations
Subject: Surveillance on subject, William T Bloody

Dear Sirs:

In response to your question: unfortunately, no. We have not heard from any of the agents that we sent along with Wolfram & Hart mercenaries for the 'Kill Billy' COCKUP mission. Our psychics and mystics are in agreement that the mission has failed.

Lassie made it home, Mr. Toadbloat improved the brainblaster and William the Bloody and Van Helsing never realized they were rooming next to each other.

We are truly regretful that your plan was unsuccessful but we offer congratulations on the solution to the mystic hamster problem. We haven't seen one of those little mutated monsters for several days, for which we are truly thankful. The cleanup was getting out of hand. The smell of mystic mutated poop can make raw sewage smell like perfume!

Despite now being short-handed, we have located Mr. Bloody. He is currently being held prisoner by one of the most ancient and powerful vampire clans. Although, William seems to be allowed a great deal of freedom, he is constantly guarded by this vampire, who is affiliated with the head of the clan.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v358/molossus/SeleneSpike1.jpg

This is a different species of vampire than Mr. Bloody but we think they are studying his evolution, no doubt hoping they can gain his new-found abilities for themselves. Failing that they may just hope he will join their clan. A day-walker would be a valuable ally against their deadliest enemy - the werewolf.

We feel that Wolfram & Hart could probably convince the clan to kill Mr. Bloody in exchange for help against the werewolves or other vampire clans.

Please, let us know if you wish us to attempt killing Mr. Bloody ourselves or simply continue to watch him.

Yours with all due fear and trembling,
Riley Cheep
Cheep Investigations

**********
To: SR_PARTNERS_ALL
From: Senior Partner-Praetor Division, Julius Jr, House of Julii
Subject: Hubba-hubba!

Gotta hand it to Billy. He does get around! I sure wouldn't mind getting some of that action. Some of these chicks he's been hanging with have been S-O-O-O hot! Did you see the bazoombas on that Catwoman? They should call her Dogwoman cause she sure makes me want to howl!

Congrats to all on solving the hamster problem. My office still reeks! How did we get rid of the little rodents anyway?

Senior Partner-Julius Jr

**********

To: SR_PARTNERS_ALL
From: Senior Partner-Legal & Trust, Aemilius VI, House of Aemilii
Subject: Re: Hubba-hubba!

I wish to remind everyone that remarks such the ones in the 'hubba-hubba' email COULD be construed as sexual harassment.
Wolfram & Hart is fully dedicated to paying lip service to equality in the workplace.

We cannot have this sort of ... crude and salacious babbling appearing in our correspondence.

Re: the hamster thing! I totally agree. I'm so glad not to see the backside of them! I don't have any idea how we got rid of them - I'm just glad we did!

Senior Partner-Aemilius VI

**********

To: SR_PARTNERS_ALL
From: Miss FiddleShriek - Executive Secretary: THE Senior Partner
Subject: Emergency meeting - missing Hamsters

THE senior partner wishes me to advise all Senior Partners that a mandatory emergency meeting will be held in one hour.

Respectfully submitted,
Miss Fiddleshriek, Executive Secretary- The Senior Partner.

**********

To: Senior Partners, Wolfram & Hart
From: Cheep Investigations
Subject: Surveillance on subject, William T Bloody

Dear Sirs,

In a completely surprising development, William the Bloody is now in the custody of the Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense. It appears that William is still a prisoner. No doubt the Bureau is also interested in learning the secrets to William's abilities.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v358/molossus/HBSpike.jpg

We are decidedly nervous since the Bureau was involved in the recent COCKUP. We may be seeing some reverberations of the attempted time manipulation.

Please advise immediately.

Yours with all due fear and trembling,
Riley Cheep
Cheep Investigations

**********
To: SR_PARTNERS_ALL
From: Miss FiddleShriek - Executive Secretary: THE Senior Partner
Subject: Notes: Emergency meeting - missing Hamsters

All Senior Partners were present. The meeting began promptly at 10:30 p.m.

Senior Partner, Cornelius SR disclosed several new discoveries recently made by the Metaphysics lab:

~~~~~
Godzilla emits a unique magictive (mystically radioactive) radiation. This radiation has long been considered harmless unless you happen to be right in front of Godzilla when he emits it - and the danger there is that you will get roasted or stepped on. The radiation has a relatively short shelf life but was at full strength during the east coast blackout following Godzilla's attack on the City.

Wolfram & Hart's stable of mystic hamsters were used to power the company during the blackout. They were subsequently exposed to and absorbed the mystic radiation.

The mystic hamsters began mutating - they now cause brain rot to any being evolved enough to have a brain. They only beings believed to be immune are insects, other mystic hamsters and trolls.

There was no further mutation as long as the hamsters were receiving the correct feed in the correct amount. When started on a new diet the mutation then gave the hamsters super jaw strength and the ability to digest and gain nutrition from nearly any substance.

A side effect of the above mutation is poop so potent that its smell could knock out a horse.

The metaphysics lab was asked to perform a location spell on a subject (one Lassie of Yorkshire) who existed over 60 years ago. In keeping with Wolfram & Hart's current policy of cutting costs, it was decided to use the mystic hamsters. Though their power is low quality, it was cheap, it was plentiful, and it was used.

William the Bloody was with the dog when the spell was performed.

William the Bloody is now a magically attractive being for mystic hamsters. When the search was performed a connection was made; the mercenaries were sent to the site, and the hamsters were sucked along in the time stream.

William the Bloody left the time/space almost immediately after the attack but the hamsters were trapped there.

If something isn't done within the next two days we will suddenly be in a universe where the descendants of hundreds of mystic hamsters have been eating, breeding and pooping to their little heart's delight for over 60 years.

They will eat across the continents leaving lands devastated of all vegetation. The hamsters will eventually become meat eaters and since all living and nonliving beings will be suffering from brain rot or passing out from potent poop, there will be easy prey.

Well before we reach our timeframe, this planet will have become a barren wasteland and the hamsters will migrate to new dimensions. We are looking at a bona-fide inter-dimensional apocalypse and it is not one that will benefit Wolfram & Hart.

We must capture and kill every one of the mystic hamsters. If even one is left living it will breed with mundane hamsters and sooner or later the mutation will occur again.

The only way to be sure that we capture all the hamsters is to use William the Bloody as an attractive object once again.
~~~~~

It was decided to have Wolfram & Hart agents leak this information to the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense as a first step in setting William the Bloody up as the Pied Piper of Hamster.

The second order of business was to assure that William the Bloody stayed alive until the Apocalypse was averted but ended up as a pile of dust soon after.

It was pointed out that no one even knew whether William could be killed by the normal vampire methods. It was decided that the 'Kill Billy' project would take second priority to stopping the Apocalypse and that a team would be assembled to investigate the studies that the Bureau and vampire clans had on Mr. Bloody.

Team members were elected, deliverables were decided upon and a time frame was planned.

A meeting to discuss the findings was scheduled for tomorrow at 11:00 AM.

The third order of business was a discussion on practical applications for mystic mutated hamster poop. Given its powerful properties, the Science and Metaphysics people believe that it could be a useful component for malicious spell casting and the development of new weaponry.

Wolfram & Hart now has a surplus of this substance but since we hope to eradicate all mystic hamsters it was felt that the value of this property might well skyrocket and be a good source of funds for Wolfram & Hart in the near future.

It was decided that freezing should have little or no effect on poop potency and that the remaining stockpiles would be frozen. It was also decided that agents sent back in time to handle the Apocalypse would be requested to perform 'poop patrols' in order to obtain as much of the substance as possible.

The meeting was adjourned at 06:00 AM.

Respectfully submitted,
Miss Fiddleshriek, Executive Secretary- The Senior Partner.